Sunday morning thoughts...

My mother died on Thursday. I am not saying that to elicit any comments of how sorry people might be for my loss. Please don't. She and I had a very adversarial relationship especially these past 20 or so years.

I am just thinking about it today and how some losses affect me differently than others.

Those of you who know me know I was not close to my real mother and that she was often vicious and verbally mean/rude to me and most people in any adult encounters, but still it is a strange emptiness. I am eternally thankful I did not grow up with her past my 10th year so that I at least turned out pretty "normal" and have had a pretty happy life. She was always bitter and unhappy.  It took me a long time to figure out all her unhappiness was her problem and to learn how to not get dragged down into her well of acrimonious despair.

The more I ponder it, I am coming to the realization that I had always hoped things would improve and that we might have a decent relationship in her old age. I think I am mourning the loss of that possibility rather than the actual person.


On another note I am enjoying my new retirement, although it still feels like summer vacation to me. I am sure the reality of it will hit when I don't have to go back to school in late August. In a way that is another loss, albeit not a bad one, just a transition that I will need to go through.  For a change I will have the time to do all those other things that interest me: making art, traveling, writing, doing more yoga, getting outside more and certainly lunching with my other retired teacher (and librarian) friends!

The roses have a drip system in place but the lawn is suffering. I need to get out there and water on our select days (Tuesdays and Saturdays) for our address.

Saying goodbye to another cat...

We had to say goodbye today to our dear Perseus... (Kidney failure) He came into our lives nearly 19 years ago already maybe 6 months to a year old... so he had a wonderful full life here with us. He and Pandora got along so well. When she died, he started going downhill and his kidney disease was discovered. We tried a couple of treatments for him but his health failed quickly this last couple of weeks. We did not want him to suffer any more so we brought him to the vet today and said our goodbyes. He will be buried outside next to Pandora in our flower garden.

Rest in Peace dear wonderful Percy.

Rest in Peace Elaine...

January continues to be a sad month for me...

My step-mother passed away on Thursday. Thank you Elaine for being part of my life. You will be missed.

Moving on...

It has been a difficult couple of weeks with Pandora's death but I feel like I am finally able to move on. The first few days I could not come back into my art room without crying and seeing her in my arms but that is passing and I am feeling the need to create again. And with Winter Break coming up in a couple of weeks I have a lot of things to think about...

The thing that has been on my mind the last few days is creating another Word for the Year. I did it last year (see THIS post) and it was nice to think about throughout the year. I had it glued to my work table at school and several times when I was mad at the kids I would see it and work on letting it go. I wanted to make a word this year that built on that idea. I thought about what I did when I "released" and it was all about breathing. And now that I am back to doing more yoga practice I find the reminders to "breathe" coming fast and furious from all angles. And wouldn't ya know it, conscious breathing is still hard for me (to remember mid-asana or when I am mad). I need more work on that one.

So I decided for 2014 my word would be BREATHE.

RIP Pandora

Rest in Peace Pandora. I am so thankful for the 21 years of love you gave us. You came to me small enough to fit under my chin in August of 1992 and passed peacefully in our arms this morning, 11:20 am, Nov. 28, 2013.