Sunday, June 8, 2014

Sunday morning thoughts...

My mother died on Thursday. I am not saying that to elicit any comments of how sorry people might be for my loss. Please don't. She and I had a very adversarial relationship especially these past 20 or so years.

I am just thinking about it today and how some losses affect me differently than others.

Those of you who know me know I was not close to my real mother and that she was often vicious and verbally mean/rude to me and most people in any adult encounters, but still it is a strange emptiness. I am eternally thankful I did not grow up with her past my 10th year so that I at least turned out pretty "normal" and have had a pretty happy life. She was always bitter and unhappy.  It took me a long time to figure out all her unhappiness was her problem and to learn how to not get dragged down into her well of acrimonious despair.

The more I ponder it, I am coming to the realization that I had always hoped things would improve and that we might have a decent relationship in her old age. I think I am mourning the loss of that possibility rather than the actual person.

On another note I am enjoying my new retirement, although it still feels like summer vacation to me. I am sure the reality of it will hit when I don't have to go back to school in late August. In a way that is another loss, albeit not a bad one, just a transition that I will need to go through.  For a change I will have the time to do all those other things that interest me: making art, traveling, writing, doing more yoga, getting outside more and certainly lunching with my other retired teacher (and librarian) friends!

The roses have a drip system in place but the lawn is suffering. I need to get out there and water on our select days (Tuesdays and Saturdays) for our address.


  1. My Mom died some 25 years ago and my father proceeded her by just a few month. I remember feeling the loss of not being anyone's daughter anymore, I wasn't expecting that emotion at all. I remember thinking I'm only a wife, mom, and sister. Like you said, not necessarily a bad thing, just different.
    Wishing you the best, Sharon
    ps the roses look great!

    1. Yes that loss too, now that you mention it. All my parents are now dead. Another different feeling! Thanks for the comment Sharon!

  2. Any ending impacts us in some way. Thanks for sharing where you're at today.

    And happy retirement. :)

    1. Thanks Katie! And thanks for coming by the blog! I appreciate the comment.


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