My mother died on Thursday. I am not saying that to elicit any comments of how sorry people might be for my loss. Please don't. She and I had a very adversarial relationship especially these past 20 or so years.
I am just thinking about it today and how some losses affect me differently than others.
Those of you who know me know I was not close to my real mother and that she was often vicious and verbally mean/rude to me and most people in any adult encounters, but still it is a strange emptiness. I am eternally thankful I did not grow up with her past my 10th year so that I at least turned out pretty "normal" and have had a pretty happy life. She was always bitter and unhappy. It took me a long time to figure out all her unhappiness was her problem and to learn how to not get dragged down into her well of acrimonious despair.
The more I ponder it, I am coming to the realization that I had always hoped things would improve and that we might have a decent relationship in her old age. I think I am mourning the loss of that possibility rather than the actual person.
On another note I am enjoying my new retirement, although it still feels like summer vacation to me. I am sure the reality of it will hit when I don't have to go back to school in late August. In a way that is another loss, albeit not a bad one, just a transition that I will need to go through. For a change I will have the time to do all those other things that interest me: making art, traveling, writing, doing more yoga, getting outside more and certainly lunching with my other retired teacher (and librarian) friends!
The roses have a drip system in place but the lawn is suffering. I need to get out there and water on our select days (Tuesdays and Saturdays) for our address.